The “weight” is over… Or should I say, the weight is in?
Tonight was my second training session with Jeremy at EpocFit and boy let me tell you… he kicked mine and DH behinds tonight. It was much harder today than it was on Monday. My whole body is sore and I hear from the health nuts that that is an amazing feeling. Well, I’m here to tell you that I feel sitting on the couch with a half gallon of Blue Bell ice cream may be better but I’m glad I went ( and no I didn’t eat any ice cream.. Though I sure as heck want to.)
On a more serious note, tonight was my first weigh in. I called it, I knew that seeing the number on the scale was going to anger me! And it did just that! I’m one mad cookie (Mmmmm cookie) but I’m glad to be angry because I can use that anger to push me out of my comfort zone. I have been through many things since 2011 and lots of those things have been fast food drive thru’s.
Am I proud of that? Hell no!
But I know that I can move on because I’m no longer okay with being comfortable. I want to be happy.
After the butt kicking Jeremy handed to us, he weighed DH and then, he called for me. I looked up at the scale. The scale was similar to the ones the doctors’ have in their office. Normally, at this point I would joke and say “can’t you just mark down fat in the weight area and we’ll pretend this never happened?”
I do that, joke about my weight… Cause what woman wants to get on the scale and see that number staring at them.
But this time I was honest with myself and saw that the maximum was 350. I simply told him that I knew that I would exceed the maximum. I was actually hoping that he would say something to the effect of okay well never mind. Instead, he pulled out the little electric one and we both hoped that it would fit my fat so to speak. We went outside, which is a test in itself! I’m a fat woman, standing on a busy street in leggings and ratty shirt weighing myself. I think I deserve a cookie… Or peanut butter… Or a protein shake! I don’t know, whatever the heck is healthy that I can fit in my mouth!
God has jokes! Weighing a fat woman outside. The world is a funny place I tell ya!
I stepped on and waited for the bright red numbers to tell me what I already knew… That I’m fat.
And well guess what? It did!
For my friends that like to round up.. That’s 400lbs and if you count my heart leaping from my throat, I may have lost a pound or two. Can I tell you how much that hurts? How much I wanted to cry right then? How much I wanted to say the scale was a liar and we’ve never been friends cause one time… I’m trailing off aren’t I! But still, I wanted it to lie to me just this once.
I still went through with our trainer recording my weight on video for the world to see cause I need reality to slap me. And boy, has it slapped me!
Fast forward to being home. I made a b-line to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet texting my best friend as tears ran down my face. Expressing to her how disappointed and angry I still am with myself. How I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to get to this point. And so on. But then I hear my little Ember knocking on the door.
Honestly, I tried to ignore her and I sucked my tears away thinking she would just go away but she knew I was there and after a few minutes she pushed open the door and walked in. “Why are you crying mama?” “Why are you sad?” “I love you!” She is my everything and she knew I needed her. Ember is my 3 year old for those of you that don’t know. She hugged me and while asking me if I wanted her bunny she handed him to me and kissed me.
After crying for a minute I asked her if she wanted the bunny back, which she declined and told me to keep it for a while.
Let me tell you… I’m only on day three and this journey is harder than I ever expected and I’m certain it will be harder and easier as I go on. But there is nothing I want more than to be healthy, for not only myself but my daughter.
Today, I’ll cry and be angry.
Tomorrow, I will fight… And eat celery or whatever the heck you people eat.