If it was a snickers bar…

So here’s the thing… I AM THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE. So stop telling me I’m not! Anyone who knows me knows that I am an unapologetic fat girl who speaks her mind whether or not you’re going to like it.  I know people may say this as encouragement or a pick me up but it’s not really. Not that I’m not appreciative for what you’re trying to say but the fact remains… I am that number. 

I spent much of my childhood hating myself because I knew I was different than my friends. I couldn’t shop at all the cute stores that they did because I simply couldn’t fit them. None of my friends ever treated me any different though. To them, I was their Ashley but I knew they could see me fidget with my desk because my stomach touched it. I had to start wearing bras in elementary so when my breats grew in middle school, it placed even more attention on the already fat girl. Not any kind of attention I wanted.  When I got into high school I was never the girl that had the boyfriend. I was the smart funny girl… And who doesn’t like those? I could do your homework and tell a joke.

I was your friend. 

Ugh! I hated that word. 
If I did meet a boy I was often used and I grew to believe that was what love was. That was what I was to expect to receive and I should be glad. This brought on many more issues and situations that I care not to discuss at this time. What I do want to focus on is throughout all those years one thing happened… I was bullied. Mocked by kids and sometimes even family… Let me correct that, mostly family. Since I had chosen to be the angry fat girl at school no one really messed with me too much. Plus, I was funny! Pffft everyone likes the funny girl! I thought I said that already.  Back to what I was saying, oh yes… Fat shaming from family. Right… I can still remember each and every statement as if it was a cut to my own skin… And for me it was and I built up thicker skin and walls each time. 

“If it was a snickers you’d be able to get it!”
“You’re adding on some weight girl” *pinches at fat*
“Should you really eat that?”
“You have such a pretty face.”
“You sure you don’t want to come out and run with me. Let me train you.”

And those are just from family members. When I think back I don’t even think they realized they added to my self hate or that it brought me closer to wanting to just be done with life all together. They saw a fat kid you needed help! So let’s all laugh at her and force her to do things she hates doing by saying it infront of the whole family… YAY!!!  

In my senior year of high school I made a promise to myself; I wasn’t going to hate myself anymore and I would reinvent myself. I learned that I would outwardly force people to see my confidence whether I had any or not. I always liked acting. From 17 till I was about 22, it was all smoke and mirrors until one day I loved me and all the fat that came with it. So I stepped of the scale and onto cloud hell yes! And if you’ve never been to cloud hell yes, let me tell ya! You’re missing out! Let’s fast forward to today, I’m in a position where I have grown comfortable and I’m ready to make a change. Not because I hate my body but because I love it!
Last night was my fourth session with Jeremy and I feel I really pushed myself. Not only did I push myself but this fat girl lost 4 lbs and I am excited for progress. 
Do I want to be skinny? No! Not in the slightest. I want to be healthy no matter the size. So when I step on that scale and look at MY number. I will embrace the fact that I am the number on the scale. It sums up my mass and I’m okay with that. Being told I’m not the number is not comforting because I am that number. It may not sum up all of who I am but it is still me nonetheless. 

I can and will reach my goal and if there happens to be a snickers bar at the end of it all, I can finally angry fist shake at that family member telling me that “if it was a snickers bar I would be able to reach it”. 

Hey family, you may be right! I’ll let you know once I reach that snickers bar. 

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