If you couldn’t tell from the title, it’s raining here. I’m sitting in the passenger seat while my fiancé attempts to console me from the scale once again. While I listen to the windshield wipers wipe away the down pour I’m angered that he has to console me from something I did to myself.
Here I am again, the scale and I had another fight. The scale went up… And this time, it wasn’t lying.
Let me take you a few steps back to the Ashley before the confidence. I would really like to introduce you to her. Ashley hated herself. Everything about her was never good enough so she filled her life with just about anything she could; hatred, pills (attempted suicide), sex, etc. really anything that would give me a temporary feel good feeling. Of course, it never felt good for too long and I’d go back to hating myself. I gave up. I was used to giving up, hating myself, telling myself that I was always going to be disgusting, I was always going to be the fat girl no one ever wanted to outwardly take on a date. I told myself I should get used to it, get used to being treated less than because that what I should expect. You know what? That gets old. It gets old real fast, real fast for me is like 4 years, and I decided that I wanted to love myself. To love even the parts of me that I hated because if no one else would love them at least I would love them. And a few years later, confident Ashley was reborn.
Well, hello. My name is confident Ashley and I just had a temper tantrum. I broke down after the scale told me I gained 14 lbs. I just don’t understand. I can’t tell you how disturbing it is to feel like the non-confident Ashley again. I can’t tell you how sickening it feels to be heckled by the number on the scale. And please… Save the whole; you’re not the number on the scale. Because in all honesty. I don’t want to hear it! I don’t know who told any person that that was something soothing to say. That’s just like telling a fat woman…
“you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”
I am fat! I can be both dammit.
The windshield wipers are still going strong and I’m still feeling like a can of busted biscuits. But not like the good kind your grandmama would make or like the good kind of golden flaky biscuits by pillsbury but like the dollar store biscuits that don’t rise when you bake them and always seem to burn on the bottom no matter how many times you check them. Yeah. Those kind.
I feel like giving up.
I feel like a failure, I’m sure that I’m not but I sure as hell feel like one. My trainer says to see the positive in this; he says to know we are starting a weight loss challenge this week and no better time to see my numbers now and work hard at losing lots. But all I can see it the scale heckling me. It’s as if I’m standing in the room filled with laughter and everyone is pointing at me.
I feel like I let myself down and anyone that reads my blog down as well. Let me tell you what, it’s a horrible feeling. I want to be successful in this weight loss. I want people to stop making me pancakes. I want people to stop offering me goodies. I want people to see that I’m killing myself by saying no to a cupcake that I want so badly. But more importantly, I want to be able to say no thank you when something is offered to me and not foam at the mouth like a vampire at the sight of blood.
I want to be able to stand strong.
I want to be proud of my accomplishments.
I’m going to attempt weight watchers along with training and exercise again because I know it works. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing my points decrease because I knew that meant I was losing weight.
honestly, I don’t have much for you tonight. I was angry at myself, still am. I yelled and screamed and cried when I stepped on the scale in the kitchen. Here is to new beginnings.
The windshield wipers are off and the rain is letting up. I’m sure I’ll cry again before the night is over.
I’m sure of it.
I’m also sure that I won’t allow myself to break me.
For now, I’ll drown myself in wedding planning and a good book (I like to call it therapy) while the rain continues to drown out the sounds of the world. I will enjoy tonight and tomorrow…
Tomorrow, we will start fresh.